Each Day Is Made for Living

”This is the day the LORD has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it.” (Ps. 118:24)

October 31, 2006. It had been five years since my M.S. diagnosis. Four years since I dropped out of school. Three years since I had been re-diagnosed as having Lyme disease. Two-and-a-half years since I climbed into a wheelchair. Ten months since I had miscarried a baby.

It was hard to remember when I had last anticipated the morning. Now, I woke every day to painful limitation, acutely aware of all I had lost.

I resented the sunrise.

On that morning in 2006, I woke again to the familiar fear that my body was broken.

The rising sun pushed me from my slumber without so much as a by-your-leave; my husband of a year (and 22 days) still slept peacefully beside me. Not wanting to disturb him, I eased out of bed and away from the fear, stealing quietly into the bathroom.

There was something I needed to do.

The cautionary voice in my head was loud that morning. “It's still five days before you should test,” it warned. “It won't be positive. You don't need another 'no.'”

I was always steeling myself for the letdown. I had reason to mistrust my body. My heart had reason to question God.

But this morning, I ignored the voice, carefully following the instructions for the pregnancy test. I thought about holding my breath for the four minutes it would take for the results to process.

We hadn't known I was pregnant when I miscarried; the experience didn't break me. Instead, the miscarriage wakened a curious sense of wonder that my body was made for life—not for the disease that had stripped me of so much.

Sometimes, when no one was looking, I touched my tummy, imagining what it would be like to have a someone there. I felt as though I kept a powerful secret.

But that feeling of power had dissipated after months of negative pregnancy tests. Every month my heart grew ready to love only to be thrown down in disappointment. I had started to wonder if my body would betray this dream of life as it had betrayed other hopes.

I stared at the cursor winking at me from the pregnancy test, realizing as I waited what day it was.

Halloween.

Trick or treat? I aimed a sarcastic grin heavenward. It was odd how fear ignited my cynicism.

I heard Pete stirring in the bedroom. I willed the test to hurry up. I wanted to surprise him if...

Unable to set my fear aside, I squelched the thought. Now I was holding my breath. Another “no” meant another bad day. Another day doubting. Another day wondering why I bothered with hope.

But God who is Love does not censure me the way I censure myself. He does not condemn my days as good or bad. His love had already seen me through many hopeless mornings. He makes each day for living, and this morning was no different. I was made for life—abundant life—regardless of my body's handicaps.

All of a sudden, the test registered its result. My heart stopped, then began to pound. I swallowed. Almost choked.

“Pregnant.”

Post and image by Kelly Sauer. Used with permission.